We had established that Sarah Palin likes wine -- so much that before McCain whistled she had been working on a sweetheart deal with a major bulk-wine producer to build a wine pipeline to her arctic state, where all, native peoples and real Americans alike, need perpetual sedation to endure the extreme climatic and social environments. Further, well-sugared Charles Shaw wines are said to pair magnificently with Alaska's home-grown weed and moose derma.
Naturally I wanted to know spouse's viewpoint on this topic (wine, the alleged focus of this blog), because I feel it's only right to include the non-political spouse in the dialogue. They make a contribution too.
Photo from irondog.com: First Dude, Mr. Sarah Palin
Sarah may be working all the time but he looks well cared for.
After the rather vexed interview with his wife last week, I approached Todd with some trepidation. I assumed Sarah had told him about the big mixup we experienced in our phone interview but I needn't have worried. They've had many more important things to preoccupy them since a week ago Friday. (Only 8 days?! I feel like I've known the Palins my whole life! I've suffered with them, prayed with them, torn down monkey-to-man science-class charts with them in my mind's eye...and heart.)
Someone on wonkette gave me Todd's cell number, so I called him early this morning -- about 2 AM in Alaska where he's keeping an eye on the kids. He answered on the first ring, as if he'd been expecting my call. I thought that curious but was soon won over by his articulateness and wry humor.
TODD: Hi! What's been keeping you?
STRAPPO: Well, hi to you too, Mr. Palin. I didn't want to call earlier because I thought maybe you were still traveling.
TODD: [A bit uncertainly.] No. I needed to get the kids back here before all that press coverage made their heads explode.
STRAPPO: I hear ya!
TODD: [Puffing on a cigarette.] Look, I don't mean to be rude like some Minnesotan but can I ask who you are?
STRAPPO: Oh sorry! I got so nervous...Hm. Well, my name is Terry "Strappo" Hughes and I have a wine blog called mondosapore. mondosapore.com. M-O-N-D-O-S-A-P-O-R-E.
TODD: So? [Inhales deeply. Exhales slowly.]
STRAPPO: Well, I called to ask you about wine -- what kinds of wine do you like, do you drink more wine than beer, what do you serve at state dinners, stuff like that.
TODD: Jesus, how the fuck would I know about state dinners and all that shit? I never go. That's Sarah's gig. I do my own thing.
STRAPPO: Well, you personally -- do you drink wine?
TODD: Sure, man. I drink anything. I even drank antifreeze on a bet when I was in high school. We all did. Said it tasted like creme de menthe. Four of the kids died, of course. Cut our graduation class like by a third.
STRAPPO: Was Sarah there?
TODD: Hell yeah she was there. She started the whole thing. After that we became a couple. She was damn hot. [Pauses. Grief evident.] My girfriend died, see.
TODD: Hel-lo? You there, Straps?
STRAPPO: Yes! Sorry. I was thinking what a tragedy that was.
TODD: Yeah, sure. Listen, hold on, I got a call coming in. [He clicks over to the incoming. I wait at least 2 minutes. When he comes back he sounds much cheerier.] Willow! Watch the baby, I'm going out! -- Hey.
STRAPPO: Hey. So. About wine.
TODD: Look, I gotta go but I'll make this real easy for you. I drink wine. I drink beer. I drink whiskey, vodka, gin, rye, tequila, whatever. I don't set around tasting the shit and going Ooh la la this is so exQUISITE. My buddies and me, we aren't big-city type gormays or anything. I drink it. I drink it with my buds, with my dogs, with my gals --
STRAPPO: Like Willow and Bristol?
TODD: Yeah them too. I drink it because it makes me feel good and it gets me through the night. [Deep inhale. Slow exhale.] What with all these damn kids and Sarah off doing who the fuck knows what.
STRAPPO: Like with Scott Richter? [Richter had just asked for the court to seal his divorce records from the public. The Richters and Palins have been close in business and pleasure at their recreational property.]
TODD: [Full of grizzly bear menace.] Don't go there. Do not.
STRAPPO: Todd, do you pray?
TODD: What? Oh yeah, right. Sure. I pray. [Chuckles salaciously.] I pray every night for that old silk bag of bones to come up and get down.
STRAPPO: You refer to Cindy McCain of course?
TODD: Yeah. Maybe then she wouldn't be so high and la-dee-da fucking mighty. She wouldn't have to be so stoned on pills all the time either. Get some of this fine Alaska weed. All natural and organic. And me. [Snickers.] I can lift my arms over my head.
STRAPPO: Do you believe in evolution?
TODD: It's a theory. Who knows. Who cares. I stay out of that shit. Iron Dog's my thing. [That's dogsled racing.]
STRAPPO: I hate to bring this up but...abortion?
TODD: [First sign of that famed rural bitterness.] That woulda been real convenient. Two extra mouths to feed now. Three. Levi ain't gonna be employable 'less he gets a job with the city. Sarah really better bring papa home the pork.
STRAPPO: Speaking of pork, how's Bristol holding up?
TODD: OK I guess. I don't see her much anymore.
STRAPPO: Spends all her time with Levi?
TODD: [Coldly.] Who?
STRAPPO: [Sensing that wine isn't going to be brought up again.] Well. Thanks. Later!
TODD: Later, Straps. Hey, I gotta run, for real this time, but give me your cell number. Never know when it'll come in handy. [I give him a fake number in the Dallas area.] So long, dude. [As he searches for the END button.] Shit, I'm sooooo hungry.