The Todd Palin Interview

We had established that Sarah Palin likes wine -- so much that before McCain whistled she had been working on a sweetheart deal with a major bulk-wine producer to build a wine pipeline to her arctic state, where all, native peoples and real Americans alike, need perpetual sedation to endure the extreme climatic and social environments.  Further, well-sugared Charles Shaw wines are said to pair magnificently with Alaska's home-grown weed and moose derma. 

Naturally I wanted to know spouse's viewpoint on this topic (wine, the alleged focus of this blog), because I feel it's only right to include the non-political spouse in the dialogue.  They make a contribution too.

Photo from irondog.com: First Dude, Mr. Sarah Palin

Sarah may be working all the time but he looks well cared for.

After the rather vexed interview with his wife last week, I approached Todd with some trepidation. I assumed Sarah had told him about the big mixup we experienced in our phone interview but I needn't have worried.  They've had many more important things to preoccupy them since a week ago Friday.  (Only 8 days?!  I feel like I've known the Palins my whole life!  I've suffered with them, prayed with them, torn down monkey-to-man science-class charts with them in my mind's eye...and heart.)

Someone on wonkette gave me Todd's cell number, so I called him early this morning -- about 2 AM in Alaska where he's keeping an eye on the kids. He answered on the first ring, as if he'd been expecting my call.  I thought that curious but was soon won over by his articulateness and wry humor. 

TODD: Hi!  What's been keeping you?

STRAPPO: Well, hi to you too, Mr. Palin.  I didn't want to call earlier because I thought maybe you were still traveling.

TODD: [A bit uncertainly.] No. I needed to get the kids back here before all that press coverage made their heads explode. 

STRAPPO: I hear ya!

TODD: [Puffing on a cigarette.]  Look, I don't mean to be rude like some Minnesotan but can I ask who you are?

STRAPPO: Oh sorry!  I got so nervous...Hm. Well, my name is Terry "Strappo" Hughes and I have a wine blog called mondosapore.  mondosapore.com.  M-O-N-D-O-S-A-P-O-R-E. 

TODD: So? [Inhales deeply. Exhales slowly.]

STRAPPO: Well, I called to ask you about wine -- what kinds of wine do you like, do you drink more wine than beer, what do you serve at state dinners, stuff like that.

TODD: Jesus, how the fuck would I know about state dinners and all that shit?  I never go.  That's Sarah's gig.  I do my own thing. 

STRAPPO: Well, you personally -- do you drink wine?

TODD: Sure, man.  I drink anything.  I even drank antifreeze on a bet when I was in high school.  We all did.  Said it tasted like creme de menthe.  Four of the kids died, of course.  Cut our graduation class like by a third. 

STRAPPO: Was Sarah there? 

TODD: Hell yeah she was there.  She started the whole thing.  After that we became a couple. She was damn hot.  [Pauses. Grief evident.] My girfriend died, see.

TODD: Hel-lo?  You there, Straps?

STRAPPO: Yes!  Sorry.  I was thinking what a tragedy that was. 

TODD: Yeah, sure.  Listen, hold on, I got a call coming in. [He clicks over to the incoming.  I wait at least 2 minutes. When he comes back he sounds much cheerier.]  Willow!  Watch the baby, I'm going out!  -- Hey. 

STRAPPO: Hey.  So.  About wine.

TODD: Look, I gotta go but I'll make this real easy for you.  I drink wine.  I drink beer. I drink whiskey, vodka, gin, rye, tequila, whatever.  I don't set around tasting the shit and going Ooh la la this is so exQUISITE.  My buddies and me, we aren't big-city type gormays or anything.  I drink it. I drink it with my buds, with my dogs, with my gals --

STRAPPO: Like Willow and Bristol?

TODD: Yeah them too.  I drink it because it makes me feel good and it gets me through the night. [Deep inhale.  Slow exhale.]  What with all these damn kids and Sarah off doing who the fuck knows what. 

STRAPPO: Like with Scott Richter?  [Richter had just asked for the court to seal his divorce records from the public.  The Richters and Palins have been close in business and pleasure at their recreational property.]

TODD: [Full of grizzly bear menace.] Don't go there.  Do not.

STRAPPO: Todd, do you pray?

TODD: What?  Oh yeah, right.  Sure.  I pray.  [Chuckles salaciously.] I pray every night for that old silk bag of bones to come up and get down.

STRAPPO: You refer to Cindy McCain of course?

TODD: Yeah.  Maybe then she wouldn't be so high and la-dee-da fucking mighty.  She wouldn't have to be so stoned on pills all the time either.  Get some of this fine Alaska weed.  All natural and organic. And me.  [Snickers.]  I can lift my arms over my head. 

STRAPPO: Do you believe in evolution?

TODD: It's a theory.  Who knows.  Who cares.  I stay out of that shit.  Iron Dog's my thing.  [That's dogsled racing.]

STRAPPO: I hate to bring this up but...abortion?

TODD: [First sign of that famed rural bitterness.] That woulda been real convenient.  Two extra mouths to feed now.  Three.  Levi ain't gonna be employable 'less he gets a job with the city.  Sarah really better bring papa home the pork.

STRAPPO: Speaking of pork, how's Bristol holding up? 

TODD: OK I guess.  I don't see her much anymore.

STRAPPO: Spends all her time with Levi?

TODD: [Coldly.] Who?

STRAPPO: [Sensing that wine isn't going to be brought up again.]  Well.  Thanks.  Later!

TODD:  Later, Straps.  Hey, I gotta run, for real this time, but give me your cell number.  Never know when it'll come in handy.  [I give him a fake number in the Dallas area.]  So long, dude.  [As he searches for the END button.] Shit, I'm sooooo hungry.

Comments

[wastedoxygen]

Tell me this is real right now! lol

[Strappo]

Let's pretend I'm a Republican:

Yes, every single syllable is the absolute truth.

[D.E Hoffman]

What a waste of learning to read and write.

[terence]

Thanks so much.

I'm in faraway Italy but you've made me feel I'm right back home.

[R.K. Moore]

I only wish it were true! Who knows anymore, it wouldn't really surprise me, but it's so hard o prove these days.

[windandwater]

I love the guy. He's real. He reminds me of one of my best guy friends. He just puts it out there and tells it like it is. He doesn't have anything to hide, like most of the people in Washington.

[Billbeau]

I fell over reading this, gonna bring my friends back. Damn, funny stuff!

Gotta share this with you ...

Palin's "Tina Fey" glasses are made in Japan.
http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/dy/national/20080917TDY03301.htm
It's not only that she can see Russia from her kitchen window that
makes her qualified to handle questions of diplomacy.Yet more evidence
of her prowess at International relations! But don't you think she should
have patronized a red-blooded, loyal American-based company?

[Billbeau]

I fell over reading this, gonna bring my friends back. Damn, funny stuff!

Gotta share this with you ...

Palin's "Tina Fey" glasses are made in Japan.
http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/dy/national/20080917TDY03301.htm
It's not only that she can see Russia from her kitchen window that
makes her qualified to handle questions of diplomacy.Yet more evidence
of her prowess at International relations! But don't you think she should
have patronized a red-blooded, loyal American-based company?

[Strappo]

I'm sure, Billbeau, that the super-patriotic Sarah would have wanted to purchase American glasses. But it's as hard as finding an American-made -- well, damned near anything these days. You see, our friends long ago decided that they could reap bigger profits outside the country, a trend no one deplored until it affected middle-class professionals. By then of course it was too late. Welcome to England circa 1957. As the French quaintly say, Nous sommes foutus.

[hazon]

Please tell me this is made up? hehehe...this is sooooo funny...the Alaskan Clampetts...tehe

[Strappo]

Well, shoot, Jethro, shore it's made up!