Sarah Palin: Good or bad for wine?

Like me, I'm sure you were astonished at John MCain's VP pick.  Granted, after the "How many houses have you got" gaffe, he couldn't pick Romney (way too tall for him anyway).  The two of them could house the entire population of Equatorial Guinea at their various properties. 

Tina Fey look-alike and First Dude

Tom Pawlenty of Minnesota?  Governor, sorry, your foreign-affairs resume is a bit thin, and you're no match for Joe Biden.  Enter the brilliant, counter-intuitive stroke, Sarah Palin.  A Biden-killer, maybe an Obama-slayer, if I ever saw one.  Her resume is impressive indeed for a self-described "hockey mom."  Consider:

1. She's pro-life.  Everyone knows that Biden is pro-death.

2. She was mayor of Wasilla. Senator Biden, have you ever run a town of 7000 rifle-toting Skidoo owners?

3. She's an Evangelical Christian.  Joe, your Catholicism is a decadent cult, and Jesus would cast you out of the temple.

4. She hunts.  (See #2.)

5. She's been Governor of the great state of Alaska, the 49th State, for eighteen months. Senator, your role in crafting legislation for 36 years in the hothouse world of Washington, next to Bin-Laden's hideout the most hateful place on earth, is piddling in comparison.

6. She taxed oil companies and is doling out $1200 to each Alaskan just for being Alaskan.  Take that, you tax-and-spend welfare-enabling pissant.

7. She wants to drill for more oil in the federalized wilderness areas of her state.  It's about ending dependence on foreign oil, not oil itself.  Oil is good.

8. She is a dedicated environmentalist.  Who would love Alaska's environment to warm up even more so she could point with pride at reducing Alaskans' heating bills.

9. She took on corrupt cronyism in Juneau and won.  She's rolling up her sleeves and is set to do the same in DC, if that's what a Vice President does.  (She's a little unsure.  So's her boss.)

10. She has a First Dude.  That Todd -- her husband, her high-school sweetheart who is part-Eskimo -- looks like one party animal.  Take that, Jill Biden.

These are just the top ten reasons why she's the perfect VP candidate for McCain.  Oh and the fact that she has agreed not to wear high heels when she's in the same room with him.

A little appreciated fact about Sarah Palin is that she loves her wine.  And as governor of her state, she has had some impressive initiatives under development for some time (6 months! a third of her time in office!), which by dint of might and main, I managed to mine from her in a telephone interview conducted at 11 pm Eastern Time.

After the usual pleasantries ("thank you so much for graciously allowing me to," etc. and "it's my distinct pleasure, I've been an admirer for a long time" -- how that took me by surprise!) -- we got right down to the nitty-gritty.

STRAPPO: Governor Palin, I read somewhere that you like to knock back a few brewskis. 

SARAH PALIN:  I do.  In moderation, beer and wine are a gift from God.  We have an obligation to appreciate God's great bounty.

STRAPPO: You like wine? 

SARAH PALIN: Yes, I do. 

STRAPPO: What kind do you like best?

SARAH PALIN: Well, of course, my favorite is our delicious Alaska blueberry wine.  The long sunny days of the subarctic summer ripen the fruit to its peak of sugary goodness.  It's highly prized by our native peoples.

But if you're talking about grape wine, then I love the wines of Idaho -- where I was born and where my roots are.  I went to college there, you know.  I got a BA in journalism. 

STRAPPO: But what kind of wine do you like --

SARAH PALIN: My roots are in Idaho but let me state unequivocally that my heart is in Alaska. 

STRAPPO: Cabernet, Merlot, Chardonnay, Charbono, Thompson Seedless -- ?

SARAH PALIN: Two-Buck Chuck.  Cabernet, Merlot, it all tastes the same -- YUMMY!  The problem is that in the great state of Alaska, each bottle costs $11, $12.  Transportation and the three-tier system are to blame for this outrageous state of affairs.  It's corruption and cronyism of the worst kind. 

STRAPPO: But I hear you've been working on a top-secret initiative to bring cheaper wine to the people of your state.  Care to give any hints?

SARAH PALIN:  [Pauses.  Communes with her inner totem.]  Well, sure, why not.  You're just a marginal blogger anyway, so what the hell.  [Transforms herself into a leader of the people, in full oratorical mode.]  Every single Alaskan, man, woman and child -- from the city to the bush, from Skagway to Unalaska, from Barrow to Ketchikan -- has the right to an unimpeded flow of wine to help them get through the still fairly chilly winters that we endure here in God's Own Country.  After all, unlike spirits and even beer, wine has essential vitamins and health-enhancing elements such as procyanidin which lengthen lives and reduce waste in the health-care system.  What's more, when you drink red wine you can support the local whale-blubber and moose-hunting industries with the knowledge that you can eat as much blubber and moose guts as you want -- and you'll feel healthier than ever.

It is therefore with great pride and satisfaction that I announce the construction of the most important pipeline in Alaska's proud history:  the Anchorage - Ceres Pipeline, which will assure the continual flow of delicious, life-sustaining Charles Shaw wines to all Alaskans.  Soon, my fellow Denalians, in addition to oil-company paybacks to each one of us, you will receive unlimited amounts of low-cost wine.  For in Alaska, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Two-Buck Chuck will be two bucks!  Furthermore, this bounty of wine will be available to you directly via the Internet and at special state stores set up near check-cashing and educational facilities in every town with over 1000 people (200 if there are a majority of Native Americans).

STRAPPO: That's staggering, Governor Palin.  This is the sort of bold, independent move that we expect from America's Last Frontier. 

Now, how will this be paid for? 

SARAH PALIN: Not by raising taxes, I'll tell you that.

STRAPPO: But you have a history of raising taxes.  You raised them as mayor of Wasilla.

SARAH PALIN: But I cut some too.  I redistributed the burden.  Off the backs of the people, on the backs of the big companies who were buying their way into the Statehouse.

STRAPPO: And so how will this wine pipeline be paid for?

SARAH PALIN: The answer is very simple, Mr. Terry.  Through new taxes placed on Big Oil as soon as they start extracting crude from the until now off-limits areas.  It's another triumph for America.  Energy independence AND greater health and happiness for the majority of the people. 

STRAPPO: [Unable to bear any more.]  Look here, Palin, all this sounds like the same weasly Republican quid pro quo wrapped in fake patriotism that we've been getting from you right-wing Evangelical nutjobs for years.  Unless you're really Tina Fey pulling off your best SNL skit ever.

SARAH PALIN: [Stunned silence.] I beg your pardon?  This is the last thing I'd ever expect to hear from your mouth, Mr. Terry.

STRAPPO: And don't call me Mr. Terry! I may be gay but I'm no hairdresser.

SARAH PALIN: [Long pause.] You're not Randall Terry, Pro-Life Prophet with the gay son?

STRAPPO: No.  Certainly not. 

[CLICK.]

 

Comments

[1WineDude]

I think I might have wet myself laughing...

Well done, man!!!

[Anthony Nicalo]

She sounds just like the people that have been running this country for the last four years. And we all know cronyism is only corrupt if it's not your cronies.

[TasterB]

Haha! Nice use of the satire loophole--off the hook scot free again!
Seriously though, I hadn't considered the potential of a Tina Fey Palin. That will be brilliant. I hope she gets a few skits in before November.

[tracie b.]

no heels?! that is a total dealbreaker.

is she crazy?

[Strappo]

Tracie, first, of course she is -- that's why she is a right-wing Evangelical Republican.

But secondly and most pragmatically, the Great American Hero is actually McPeanut. Imagine if he tried to give Michelle Obama a hug...

[Lisa Qiu]

LOL

you have no idea how I laughed to this, so good. You're a hilarious genius.

[Strappo]

Grazie. I do think it's one of the better ones. Too early to do as a retrospective thing though. (Next month!)

[Brooklynguy]

"Biden is pro-death" - best line i've heard in a while. i'm still chuckling to myself 5 minutes later.

[Strappo]

Merci, Mr. Brooklynguyloveswine. We are indeed honoured.

I just regret that Strappo wasn't perspicacious enough to see the developing babygate scandal.

I personally think that there are already plenty of low-cost liquor stores near Alaska's educational facilities. And I wonder if the First Dude, Mr. DWI and Northern Exposure partay animal, wasn't something of an enabler.